My life lately has been one massive downward spiral and I am not sure how much more I can physically or mentally handle. I know the saying goes, God never gives you more than you can handle, and if this were the case, I’d be an effin real life Wonder Woman and all I’d have to do is spin around in a circle and all my problems would magically disappear. I am going to try to not make this a pity party but on some level, I’m sure it will become one.
My husband hasn’t worked that much this year. It isn’t by his choice, so don’t go saying he’s all lazy and get judgmental. He is in the construction industry and lets just say that since 2009, he’s probably been laid off more than he’s actually worked. People aren’t building houses and new companies can’t afford to build new buildings, so what’s a skilled tradesman with no other job experience to do?
With him not working, that means, every bill is late. By a month or two, not even going to lie. I do work a measly job that is 2.5 hours per day and I just got that job to make sure my car payment is current so that doesn’t get taken away. I am currently looking to go from part-time to full-time so I’ve been busy job searching as well as doing everything I’ve been doing to help build my blog. I’ve received an associates degree way back when, but since becoming a full-time mom and the way that the current job market is, I haven’t seen much in the way of opportunities. I’ve been out of the work force for over 13 years now, who’s willing to hire me? I mean, I’ve had my own business so that should account for something, right? But, I think they actually look right past that and just see a big blank space on my resume.
Keeping up with the day to day is extremely stressful. If I don’t have my husband sitting around bored off his ass, I have kids up mine. Then I complain about never having a moment to myself and I hear, “can you do this for me”, “can you fix this for me”, “can you help me with this”, and on and on. I’ve actually had to hide in my room and ignore the knocks just to get a few moments alone. I hate it. Don’t you ever just want the house to yourself so you can do what ever you want in it? Perhaps even dance around naked like Jennifer Aniston portrayed on Friends? Why aren’t these people here getting that? I just want my space and when my husband isn’t working, I have none!!! HE’S HERE 24/7 just staring at me but when I give him a list of things to do or ask him to do something he reacts as if he’s so tired from his day that he can’t possibly move. Really? Get up and help out a little without me having to ask…or beg for it for that matter!
Never knowing what tomorrow will bring job wise for him is killing me. I just want to wake up one morning knowing that he’ll have a job to report to. I just want to wake up to the kids putting their dirty breakfast dishes in the dishwasher. I just want to clean up and have it stay clean for like, more than 30 minutes. I’d like a little consistency I guess.
I can’t keep up with the Pinterest moms of America. My dinners never look like theirs, my crafts never look like theirs, and my energy never will be like theirs.
I’m tired beyond belief and yet is’t 2:03am and I am trying to get all these thoughts out of my head so I can rest it on the pillow and fall asleep quickly….just so I can get up and do all the same things tomorrow.
On a positive note, here are three things I am grateful for: I received a very nice surprise gift for myself, my son and daughters from a coworker. She is struggling herself and yet she took some time out to think of me and my kids. She’s a wonderful woman and I am glad to know her. I am also grateful for my mom. Even though I give her a hard time and she may annoy me to pieces, I am lucky to have her in my life. I am also grateful that it’s super quiet at night and even though I wish I could have quiet/alone time during the day, the night hours aren’t that bad after all.
