Emotionally, Financially & Spiritually Drained

I was looking at a photo of me and my BFF and one of my brothers friends and the smile on my face was enormous! I don’t think I have smiled like that since that photo was taken. I miss that smile, I miss that girl. The girl that I am now is so far buried that it’s going to take a lot to get her back to her carefree, silly, life that she once had. You see, this past week was horrible. My husband and I have not been getting along at all, for months. I told him I didn’t want to be married, and I said that mostly out of frustration. A part of me really does not want to be married. Of course, when ever something happens, I internalize it and suddenly think I can’t do anything right, or something I did was wrong and I’ll never be “perfect” even though I know that “perfect” doesn’t exist.

This year has been quite the struggle for me, emotionally, financially, and spiritually.

Emotionally:  What is happiness?  Am I happy in all areas of my life?  No.  I am happy that I am a mom and that I have raised amazingly strong and smart kids.  Actually, that is the only thing I am really very happy about.  I know my kids appreciate me and love me because they tell me so and I believe them.  What I struggle with emotionally is, does my husband love me.  Do I love me?  The fact that I am questioning it makes me believe that I am not at peace with either and that’s scary.  I have a lot of anxiety.  I have gained weight.  I have not seen or really spoken to any of my old-time friends and that makes me sad.  Mostly because we have all be so busy raising our children and we are miles away from each other.  I am lacking in the happiness department and that needs to change because once I can accept and actually be happy, a lot of other areas of my life will improve.

Financially:  This sucks.  My husband and I filed for bankruptcy in 2010 and have struggled every day since.  The economic fall in 2009 and all the horrible mortgage modifications practices left us 3 months behind -thanks to Citi Mortgages HUGE mistake!  That being said, my husband is also laid off so much {being in construction} and I just recently took a small part-time job {been out of the work force for 14 years now} but raising children, with no income and once you’ve depleted your savings accounts and everything else, what’s left?  Hope.  That is all I have left.  We struggle every single month with paying mortgage, utilities, insurance, food…it’s literally insane.  People think I’ve got it all going on and that everything is peachy in this house, but it’s all a facade.  When you peal back the layers of what you see, you’d be amazed.  And before you get all judgmental, we do not live extravagant lives either.  We never go out, usually don’t do any fast-food or take out, we use coupons when ever we shop, never pay full-price for anything if we don’t have to, only buy things we need and never because we “want” it.  My kids know what’s going on so they usually never ask for anything unless they really need it.  Christmas this year will be very bleak and on some level I’m ok with it, but I feel bad for my youngest who still believes in Santa.  I wish I could do more for her, but I also refuse to go into holiday debt as a result.

Spiritually:  This is the hardest for me because I have questioned so much in this area.  Why do I have to go through this every single month.  Why can’t my husband’s job pick up to where he is working a full year like he used to?  Why does he have to work so hard to find a job in his field?  Why can’t anything I do pan out the way I plan it in my head?  What is the lesson we are supposed to be learning?  Are we anywhere closer to finding out that answer?  What do I need to do to feel better about myself?  How can I get there?  I have tried meditating and I do enjoy that, but that is the only thing I have done or tried to do in the last year.  I try to remain positive and be strong for everyone around me, namely my kids.  I know things are hard for my husband -feeling less than and not being able to support his family the way he used to, so I feel like I have to be very sensitive in that area, but yet, who’s being sensitive to me?  My husband made a comment to me something along the lines of “you have to do what you have to do to make yourself happy”…what does that mean exactly?  I told him my whole married life I’ve been taking care of other people!  I started out taking care of him (though I don’t make lunches for him or do his laundry) but I make sure bills are paid, groceries are bought, house is clean, kids are taken care of, take people to doctors, dentists, and field calls from school nurses.  Then I take care of kids.  Make sure they take showers, have homework done, have eaten, packed lunches, have clean clothes, clean rooms, etc.  Then there’s me.  What do I do for me?  Nothing.  And that is where the spirituality comes into play.  I need to start taking care of me better.  I’m not sure how to do that since I haven’t done it in 20 years.  Someone else’s needs have always come first and that has to change.

So as I reflect on the shit I’ve been through over the last 4+ years, it is time to start taking control over my life and what I want out of it.  I know I don’t want to be unhappy, over weight, and negative.  In my quest for a better 2015, I plan on taking more time for me.  How I do that is yet to be determined, so if you have ANY ideas or suggestions, I’d love to hear them.